the mirrored image of you
by laiyja
Summary: if you meet once again, what will you see? the things you wish to see or just the plain truth?
1. ègy

[ the mirrored image of you ] 

_ There, where you are, at an other place in an other tomorrow_

_ Where ever you want to go, what ever you are_

_I know you won´t do … that … please, oh please_

_ Don´t let me left behind in the shadows_

_ Let me remember you as the one you´d been so long ago_

_As the one you are, if you are still the one you´d been_

_ Let me take the memory in my hands_

_ Let me hold it deep in my heart_

_I know you´re here, still in my heart_

_ Somewhere at the depths of my soul_

_ Just as the one you´d always been …_

I watch her leave, wondering what she´ll do now after everything´s over. Again, l´m alone … again I´ve lost more than I´d have gotten. She´s free, free of all those dark shadows, that followed her path, all those things, i´d done or would have done …

Just free … of my existence … of every thing … Would she remember, would she think … Would she do, just one little perc … without pity or compassion … just leading … a normal life … 

For what is a dream, if each truth shatters the clouds we build in our solitude and darkness … a normal life … wasn´t this one of the dreams I once had? A life, somewhere in the light, without all that condemns me here in the depth of hell … It might be for all, everyone, but not for the likes of mine, not for those, who´d …

My feet touch the edge of the lake, I feel the coldness of the icy water. Wouldn't it be just so very easy to be free of all those things that hurt? My eyes wander over the surface, following the small tides and waves. Would I´ve something like a tomorrow; now, after I didn´t get a normal life? The cold of the water creeps closer, up my body. I take another step forward, feeling some stones beneath my naked feet. What would it change, if I wouldn´t die … what ever I might have thought of? For her, there´d be no difference, I suppose, nem, surely not.

My thoughts beyond this all here, back in a time, when I once had a teacher, once when I´d been a child. I remember his words, only too clearly and even their truth hurts. As much as her … moves … still hurt. Isn´t it always the same, not only on each day we live and … maybe try to find a better path for what we call tomorrow? Far away, I can hear his voice, hear the words he once told me. 

Stay away from the other side of the edge, and never ever try to cross its border. There are things, which are not ours to touch.

Every thing I did, was wrong, up from the first move I made … I wanted too much, wanted what was forbidden … only to cross this damned border and walk over the edge.

I remember her voice, as clearly as the scent of rain, as clearly as the light of Utu. My heart aches for her, my soul cries for her. There was something … I wanted to hold between my hands, and not only as a memory that lasts beyond all I´d once known. Why this way, why went it all wrong? Only coz I didn´t know how to do it right? Was it my entire fault, out of non-existing knowledge?

I take another step forward, getting a bit deeper into the lake. It´s darn cold, maybe as cold as ... halál, who knows at least for sure? How long would it take until ... the end?

I feel a strange prickling behind my eyes, it seems as if I´d ... how is it called? ... crying? Something slips down at one side of my cheek, something that looks like water ... and yet, it differs from it. Water, mixed with a strange liquid ... What´s happening to me ... something seems to surge through my body, something that wants to be free ...

... leaving every thing behind ... what would it be that I find on the other side? Just a new kind of damnation? Just another, new created hell in some darkness I hadn´t known before? 

And yet ... it´s very tempting ... maybe it´s totally different from everything ... maybe there´s more ... to discover ... things I´d not seen before ... new to experience ...

Again, my thoughts drift back to her. Only one time more, I want to see her, and if it´d be as a shadow out of the dark. What hope´d I have, what is there to wish? How to tell a broken heart to crave no longer, for the only thing that once made it alive. How to tell a soul that there was only an illusion, as fulfillment ...? What has been left in the end, nothing ...

... nothing except emptiness ... 

If there´s a god, if there´s something of the things in which we use to believe, let me ...

Stupid mind, isn´t there something else to think of, something else to crave for? What has become of all your pretty little dreams, the ones you´d all this time ago? Don´t you remember there´s been much more than she´d ever have been ... and yet ... Now, if you´re truthful to yourself, isn´t she everything to you, every thing beyond what you´d craved for, every thing, that´s worth living for?

Lost in a shadow, surrounded by darkness, which creeps into your mind as fast as the coldness you´re still feeling ...

Why am I not able to set me free from her, why am I not able to find for only one time ... salvation? And yet, it promises itself here, in the unseen depths on the glassy surface of the lake ... set your self free, here and now ...

Another wave of coldness washes through me, when I take one more step. Isn´t it all we want to do at the end of our day, to lay down and rest?

I close my eyes, only to see the vivid image of her, so vibrant and full of live. My heart ... is this what you feel, when it´s torn apart? When it´s just shred to pieces ... Why does it hurt that much, why´s nothing here to ease it. 

Strange new and unknown concept to me ... why do I think, I lose myself? The edge, pretty little promise ...

I falter and fall onto my knees. My hands touch the water, as cold as it is. What would be, if ...?

My gaze wanders to the unseen shore at the other side. Was there something that flashed like white? Cruel trick of mind, putting up things I don´t want to see, only fragments of an imagination, trying to ease what´s unbearable.

All of this emptiness inside me, growing on and on with each passing moment. Why to find another tomorrow when there´s nothing to be needed of? For what going on with breathing, living; if not for something that it might be worth of? I don´t know what to do anymore, all I can feel right now is the coldness of the lakes water, icy and coming up with the eternal promise of peace ... and the mirror of her image in my broken soul ...

One way or another, this all-consuming emptiness will kill me only too soon, little by little. Darkness, which unfolds its mind gently around me, holding me in its arms. Isn´t it what I´m craving for, this everlasting peace? And yet, her ... the ability of her feelings, however that might have been in the end, they lifted a part of my self up into the light. The same kind of light that once had been forbidden to the likes of mine?

I can still feel the touch of her hand on my cheek, as she´d caressed it not so long ago, remember the expression in her eyes. I know only too well that it was nothing else than the bribe of an unsaid bargain - a kiss of a life ... I know this and yet ... why do I still pretend it´d been ... not like this, why do I complain, that there ´d been some kind of real emotion? Only out of a kind of illness in my mind, out of the wish to get something I´d never get, maybe something else, but nothing that´s just natural for anyone else. Therefore, why do I pretend what there´d never be? Why do I have wishes, which are not mine after all?

And yet, I still wish, I´d feel the sensitive of her touch once more, only to savor it for some time longer, some time after everything might have been finished for all. It´s only a question of time, how long it will take until this, even I don´t fear it that much ...

How to ease emptiness, how to get rid of all this ... pain inside ... me, all these hurt and wounds, which unfold itself more and more.

To live for a dream, gods, what an illusion was this once ago, to let the soul soar above a sky which belongs to the light of Utu ... and not the silvery darkness of Nanna-suin. To be free once more, only to walk this earth and watch keenly its wonder, maybe not only dreaming of something afternath. And yet ... for who this all? To cradle an illusion and let it stay alive?

I´m recognizing that I´m sitting in the water, the tides still coming and going all around me. Somehow I don´t want to leave this place, its promise and its peace. And still ... why do I remember ...?

The mirror image of my soul in her eyes, the expression of agony, fear and … hate? … something beyond recognition. Both have the same fears, both the same … kind of emotion …? Dancing around unseen clouds, holding something broken in each hand … craving for an unsaid wish to come true at last.

I know too well, it was a lie, from her side, nothing else than a cheat, unreal and never meant in reality. But I don´t want to lose the memory, even I don´t quite understand why. I can still smell the scent of her so very close. So very many things, forbidden to me … so very close they´d almost been, somewhere between my hands …

And yet, all those emptiness, growing on and on in me, becoming more and more. I feel, something inside me, as if my soul might be going gone for good … at last, maybe I´d find a kind of salvation … What would be on the other side, what might I gain for after all? Could I?

Again, as I close my eyes, I can feel the coldness of the lake. Maybe I´d just leave this place, maybe it´s the better way of all, even I don´t know where to go. Leave? Without her, without any trace of some little hint of my existence, any trace of her …

Let her come back, and if it´s only for the little moment to see her shadow … far away …

--


	2. kèttö

_ Once a lifetime, I remember something_

_ When there´s been the touch of an angel_

_ When there´s been something that´s different_

_I can still feel you are … around me_

_I can still feel your hand lingering on my skin_

_ And yet …_

_ Memory isn´t all I´d have gotten in the end_

_ Believe me, you must do …_

_I ne´er wanted to leave, it was no lie_

_I know you think it the other way round_

_ But … I was faithful in this moment_

_ I´m still … there´s too much I don´t want to miss …_

He´s dragging me away, he´s trying to draw me to the other side of the lake. He says, it´s over, the nightmares will soon be gone at last. But … I don't want it to be over … there´s something I´m quite sure, I´d miss only too soon …

He says, I´d be last free at last, of this demon, this horrible monster that it´d be. I´ve to close my eyes to will away the things he says, trying to let those memories stay alive which the better ones of this all. There´s no angel, igen, only a man … A man I´d hurt beyond comprehension, out of my own ignorance. There´re so many faults I did, so many wrongs I cannot change any more.

I know, he wants to marry me, but I´m never able to do this. My heart … to whom does it belong in the end? Him … I´m not that sure since some time, maybe it´d never been.

My angelic teacher … I remember only too well the begin of this all, but it didn´t end as it maybe could have. I´d like to say to him how much I´m sorry, how much I´d to regret each step I took since … since this fateful night. But I know, it´s too late … too late for every thing.

He still drags me on, still refuses to notice my uneasiness. Don´t you see that I´m not happy, that I don´t think with joy of the fact that I´ve to got with you? That I don´t _want_ to go with you?

I wish I´d … just turn around and go back, only to … But it´s not to be, it´s not what I´m expected to do. All these expectations, all these … things I´m more than just afraid of. Aristocracy, the total change of lifestyle, the total change of society. What am I in their eyes, nothing else than a cheap little minx, one who´s not allowed to move in their circles. Not the kind of life I´d ever dream of … And no more singing on stage, never ever again … I knew that he´d have a close eye at this topic. No more music, no more … would I be able to live without, would I be able to survive such a cold and unwanted life? He claims to love me; but could this be love, to deny the other one the things he need for survival?

Far away, I recognize something like the beginning of another corridor. To which place would it lead if someone would follow its darkness? 

I´m so very tired, so … somehow so very empty … and from where does all this darkness come? I want to sit down, to close my eyes, and to drift away into another world, maybe a place of silence and solitude. But I´m denied of this, he denies it. Would this be dying, to lie down, to rest in an endless sleep, and to find peace at last? I don´t know, but the more he drags me further, the more I wish I could … Just to finish every thing …

I don´t want to leave this place, don´t want to return to the light of day. Not with him, not like this. To be alive … and just nothing else than fading like a flower … until the end of the day … 

He tries to follow the corridor, hoping that it´d bring him up to the light, but it seems this one belongs to those I don´t know, the ones I´d never used. But I´m too tired to tell him, too tired to do anything. Let me sit down, here and now, and let me rest; you can be more than assured, that he won´t follow us …

The last thought hit me hard. He would not follow, he … maybe he´d … I´d never be able to see him again …

My thoughts wander further into this direction, deeper into those parts of my mind I didn´t want to know. I didn´t want to hear …

He says, he loves me … more than anything else he´d ever touched before or aftermath. He gave me back my confidence into my self, gave me my voice and … wanted even to give me more than this. He´d have even given his life if he´d known for sure that this´d let me survive …

He says, he loves me … a love without any kind of conditions, unbound and endless, a love so deep that it´d maybe kill his soul in the end. And all he asked of me was just nothing else than to … be loved and accepted as the one he´s, the one who seems to be hidden beneath all those layers of veils and mirrors he´d put up in a long process during his lifetime … somewhere there´s a soul, a soul just like every other soul, with the same ability to feel, to love, to fear and to suffer … nothing else than just a simple and plain man like any other …

Yet, he´s so very different from us all, so unlike even one of us. Those golden eyes, shimmering like the light of the sun on a bright summers day, and this voice … a voice that´d even make the devils weep, as soft as the move of velvet, as sweet as something that´s forbidden to be hold in ones hand … A voice that makes notes coming alive, just like fairy-tales to be told. Musical notes, living, breathing and feeling emotions, and knowledge beyond the side of the edge I´d known before … The angel of music, coming alive in his voice … so full of beauty, so full of sensitive longing … and yet … 

He says, he says, he loves me … but would I ever be able to forget what´s lying beyond all this, to forget a kind of truth I´m still afraid, I´m not able to bear or maybe to handle, too? This little, maybe insignificant difference between us is the very thing that would part us for all times?

… The devil´s face … and the angel´s voice …

As I look for a short moment at our path, I can see that he´s still trying to follow this dark corridor. There´s something not that far away that let me think of the eerie light of the lake. Did he go in a circle, and didn´t realize it? Against my will, I smile inwardly. I´d have a chance to go back, after all … But what to do with him, how to handle the him?

He craves for the light, the same light that is reflected in his eyes. A light that he´s maybe denied himself an eternity before … His eyes, the mystery in them; and yet, the other side, the hopelessness, the longing for death. And yet, he´s not what he appears to be, as far as I got to know him, behind this attire and façade of Le Fantôme de l´Opèra there´s something that only wants to be normal, a normal life in the light of the day.

Even he craves for that, there might be something more he craves for. I know it only too well, even I tried to vehemently to deny it, maybe for protecting myself against things I might still be afraid of … darkness, passion, some kind of emotion, I might not be that sure. Maybe I´m still a child at this point, maybe I might lack more than just plain experience. And I know, with all of this I hurt him, far beyond all I might have wanted, maybe even deeper than to the core.

I look around myself, wondering if he is knowing what he´s about to do. He´s really going back, returning to the lake if he´d follow this corridor until its end. Bittersweet irony, maybe …?

I´ve to go through until we´d reach the shore again. It´s the only chance for me, the only way to return. But my body, my mind and my soul, they all urge me to rest, just to sit down, here and now and to close my eyes.

There´s some kind of emptiness, growing on and on. If there was any emotion in me, it seems as if I´m drained of it, getting empty like a hollowed out shell. Is there something I can still lose, something that might be there to let me hold onto?

Broken dreams, broken attires, lost memories, and hopes of a little child … 

What do you expect, if there might be a little chance to see him once more? That he´d take you back with open arms, welcoming and lovingly? Just forgetting everything, that´d happened before?

Would you really think like this? Do you really expect this to happen?

The mirrored image of his soul in my memory, broken and lost beyond what I´d become to know not that long ago. I made it break, I was the one who killed him in the end … One way or another, and maybe not only literally. There´s nothing to do, nothing to turn back, how´d I be able to regret, at least forgiving myself what I did wrong …

Too much to say … too much to fear … but how to change anything …

--


	3. hárôm

_ Dancing on a cloud with closed eyes,_

_ tiptoeing over a rope … emptiness beneath …_

_ Memories reflected in a broken mirror´s image,_

_ wandering through shards of broken glass …_

_ Watching with closed eyes_

_ waiting for what´s never meant to be …_

_If there´s an answer, so tell me:_

_ For what do we live?_

Darkness enfolds its arms around me, the tides of the lakes water playing with my body. I´m just lying there, still in the lake, getting more and more colder. What to wait for any longer, what to hope for at last? There´s nothing to hold, there´s nothing to give, lest to share …

I´m not sure, if I´d like to know this fairy-tale of a better tomorrow, or anything that lies beyond. I´m just too tired, too broken for anything to do …

Let darkness put its veil around you and lay your self to rest. To rest until time´s end … sleep and silence, once again melting together in eternal solitude, the same I´d known before all of this began. It´s just so very easy, so simple in its plain reality … and yet, once more her mirrored image is haunting my mind. She won´t leave me for good. She won´t set me free. Following the trail of my thoughts, always there, singing songs in my head … songs of hate and abuse, mistrust, denial, and shattered illusions.

Everything beyond, whatever there might be … on the other side of the edge … But to fear …

I´d never forget this expression of fear in her eyes, my own horror mirrored in hers. How could I do this to her, how could I ever think about …

I can feel the coldness spreading more and more in my body, feel myself becoming more and more stiffening. It´s getting to be over … soon, very soon … at last. I don´t think, that there´d be too much time for me which´d be left … This could be the very last of all nights I´d gotten such a long time ago … hopefully, that it´s the last one …

I wish I´d have the chance to ask her forgiveness for all those wrongs and mistakes I did to her. Nevertheless, she´d not do. She hates me too much, I´d seen it in her eyes, when she´d left some hours ago … maybe it´s better to let her stab me with my very own dagger right into my heart, to let her strangle myself with my own damned pride. Gods, how much more that I´d like to take back, to change …

Is this the meaning of ending a life? To ask for forgiveness, to find peace with your self and all the others?

Pretty little concept, might fit anyone else … how to find peace with your self?

What would she expect while she´s running away with this little young one of hers? Would she wonder, if I´d followed them, if I´d demanded to her to return to here? What if I´d have asked her to fulfill her bargain … to stay here with me until death would tear us apart? A life full of loathing and hate … unforgiving until it´d be over … The final crime, incomparable and hidden in silence … The final veil, torn apart and shred to thousands of almost unseen pieces, nothing else left than the shards of a broken mirror´s glass …

She didn´t love me, she´d never have … there´s nothing to pretend or to complain any longer, nothing to lie to your self for some more time …

Just let me die … with the illusions and memories of a broken dream, let me step over the threshold of the edge with an image of her, even if it might be blurred. Let me rest in peace with an illusion, a dream … to let my soul soar in the skies once again …to let me fly for one more time …

… Even if it means to lie to myself …

… even if there´s nothing to hold any longer, even not to share …

It´s a lie, was always a lie … bittersweet illusion … how a dream could hurt, how could …

--


	4. nègy

_ Angels on some clouds_

_ Cormorans dancing in the silvery light_

_ of a dark nights moon_

_ Angels hidden behind a glassy surface,_

_ mirrors hiding truths, that might be lies,_

_ Let me take, what you once gave,_

_ let me hold, what you wanted to share …_

_ Fairy-tales might come alive_

_ even for little childs_

_ Lotte, sitting in her attic,_

_ beaming, with a box of chocolate in her hand,_

_ dreaming of an angel to come_

_ I wish, there´d be more than just broken dreams_

_ Something beyond all I´d not see_

_ And yet … what is it all for,_

_ What´s the meaning of a thing, we once_

_ called life?_

We´re back at the lake, once again … and not that far away from where we began our flight. I´m not able to see any signal of something alive at the place where I guess the house. No sound to hear … only silence and the faint sound of the lakes tide, coming and going …

Where is he, what´d happened to him? Somehow, I began to panic, although I´m not able to say why. As long as he is here, I´m not able to find out any thing about him … maybe I´m too late … and it´s all over.

I sit down on a stone near the shore and try to find something, but there´s nothing … to see … to hear … I turn around, looking into his eyes, searching for an answer that´s not to find.

Give it up, he´s dead, it´s over and the nightmare gone … But it´s not over, it will never be … not as long as I´d live. He´ll stay there, in my head, singing songs … of unsaid longings, passion, solitude … light and darkness …

He´d never leave … never until the day I´d draw my final breath …

I look into the lake, thinking about what to do, how to get rid of him, how to make a move he´d not be able to notice – to go back to the lair, to look for what´d not be there any longer … Just to be certain, only to be sure …

My feet touch the tide of the lake, as cold as ice, my thoughts are somewhere lost. Even the stone on which I´d sat down not so long ago is cold. The cold is creeping up my spine, wandering through my skirts and makes me begin to shiver. I´ve to do something, to move somewhere … but I´m anything than able to do. My movements freeze in midair, when there´s something in the lake which made me attentive to it. Something is lying in the lake, some kind of shadow or alike.

Slowly I rise, ignoring any of his weak protests and stagger hesitantly to the spot. My thoughts make some turnarounds, my skin shivers once more. Once, not so long ago, there´d been a candle at this place, throwing its soft light of the caverns ceiling. Someone had been here, right where I´m standing. Whoever it might have been … there´d only be one … only one … but how and … why …?

Once more, I begin to panic, almost begin to run straight into the lake. He … would … not … …

From somewhere near I can hear a faint sound, a sound that remembers me of a weak sigh … as soft as velvet … and yet so full with pain … He´d not … no … gods … please … for all of the love you´ve …

I feel a tear trickle down my cheek. Against all odds, against my conscience, I run into the lake, blindly and without any other thoughts. I feel the coldness cut right through my skin, I feel my limbs grow weak. But I´m still running …

Somewhere I stop, my feet touching something that´d not be there. I bend to it, far away from anything that´d be called appropriate in the eyes of society. I stretch out my hand and let it touch this something, shaking with terror and a dark foreordaining in my mind. The fabric I´m touching feels familiar to me, there´s no more doubt. It could be a treacherous trick, played by my mind, however … something that´s not true … that´s not real …

The trembling finger wanders further, finding more things that are familiar. There´d be no doubt, not any longer, the evidence is here, right in front of me …

… I´m too late … too late for any regret, any forgiveness …

… there´s nothing more I can change …

… nothing more I could tell …

… lost between the edges …


	5. öt

_ Lost between the edges,_

_ As restless as the turning tides_

_ Wandering through the ages_

_ …_

_ nothing else than memories_

_ here in my heart_

_ nothing else than lost songs_

_ here in my dead voice_

_ …_

_ I´m nothing else than a ghost_

_ Wandering through the ages passed_

-------- 

FIN

Vindobona 1/6, ivo

11.10 \03, 22:59

written between ix-x/2k3

altashheth


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